Here is a bit of humor – it is satire.
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|| In a long lost manuscript, another version of the gospel of Matthew is recounted. This newly found document contains many important details the other ones leave out. ||
Jesus takes his place and begins to give the Sermon on the Mount. Huge crowds are gathered around him. He begins to speak. As this is his first major public appearance, there is a scribe holding up large cue cards for him while he preaches.
Jesus: “Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! Uh, let’s see. Uh, yeah. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted…unless…uh, ok then. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”
Jesus signals for the scribe to flip the cue card over – he looks unhappy. Instead the scribe moves on to the next card.
Jesus: “Heh heh, alright then. I guess blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled… (pause)…hmmm ok yeah. Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.”
Jesus finishes his sermon and quickly darts through the throngs of people and out of sight.
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The disciples are gathered in the upper room of a house in Capernaum. They are murmuring. There is a sound of someone running up the stairs. Jesus comes storming in, mad as hell.
Jesus: “What in God’s holy name was that?!”
Phillip: “Lord, I can explain.”
Jesus: “You had one job today, Phillip. ONE JOB!”
Phillip: “Lord, on the way here I was in a hurry. Running through the market, I tripped on a pothole and fell, totally wiped out – these Roman roads! Your slides, my Lord. They uh, well they went everywhere, landed face up though! They only got wet on the back side. The crowds at the mountain were terrible, and I couldn’t get to you in time to tell you.
Jesus (still fuming): “So you had the scribe hold up half the slides?!”
Phillip: (exasperated): “I didn’t know what else to do!”
Jesus: “You left out all the caveats! This is my first big sermon, so I don’t have it all memorized yet. Oh, the Father is going to be pissed!”
Peter (nodding slowly): “Ahhhhh, so this explains it then. The whole thing didn’t sound at all like our run through yesterday. It was totally lacking in the nuances and loopholes.”
John: (places a hand on Jesus’ shoulder): “Lord, I know you’re angry. Perhaps you could try to remember the second parts, and then we can work to correct the errors with the crowds tomorrow.”
Jesus stomps over to the middle of the room to give the sermon again, glaring at Phillip from time to time.
Jesus: “Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Unless of course they use government welfare, then curse them and cut them off.”
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Unless they are crying about being deported, then sorry, there is nothing we can do about it.”
“Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. Unless your party can grab power, then just dominate the earth and take what you want.”
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. This one only applies if times are good. If times are not so good, vote for whoever makes your life easier.”
“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Unless it starts costing your country, then just double down on law and order. I want my followers to be comfortable, fat, and happy!”
Jesus’ voice takes on a calmer cadence, and he begins to smile while he speaks.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Yet, don’t hesitate to support extremely sinful politicians, you gotta do what you gotta do here.”
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. This only applies up to the point when it starts to hurt economically. At that point, just make deals and drop bombs as needed.”
“Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs in the kingdom of heaven. But don’t hesitate to put your country and allies first and call ‘righteous’ whatever it takes to stay number one!”
Jesus finishes the sermon, takes a bow, and returns to his seat. The disciples all applaud excitedly.
Matthew: “My Lord, during the live sermon, I was transcribing for your book release. This will totally change the meaning – I didn’t get any of the caveats added in. But that was my last parchment…”
Jesus: “You know what, Matthew – don’t even worry about it.”
Matthew: “Umm, are you sure about that? My Lord, this is a very very different message. People could really get the wrong idea about this whole movement.”
Jesus: “Yeah, we’ll take care of it. Once I’m done with the speaking tour, we’ll send someone to come through and clear things up a bit – smooth it out over time and guide the people into all truth.”
Mark: “Ah, you mean the comforter, Lord? The Spirit?”
Jesus: “No sir. I’ll send them politicians. A long line of them. They’ll figure out the caveats. A whole big, beautiful line of them. Boys, let’s get some drinks in here. I’ve had a very long night.”
javen.bear. 